Ramblin’ Man: The Internet and Masturbation

THE INTERNET AND MASTURBATION! by 

rambling man columnA friend of mine mentioned that he thought masturbation had saved the internet. I laughed at first, but as I thought about it, I came to realize he was probably right. In fact, it seems like it’s nearly impossible to find anything about the United Nations without having to wade through the pee-cam and candyland, adult connections.

Porn is definitely what there is the most of on the net. The reason there is porn is because masturbation has become a multi-billion dollar industry. Porn is around because it makes cash, bottom line. First there were adult magazines, then there were 1-900 numbers and now…the pornonet. It’s amazing, but porn is a multi-national, multi-billion dollar industry. I guess, I owe porn a lot. After all, I use e-mail daily, I have a website, I research constantly, and I play several on-line games. But it just doesn’t feel right to say thank you to the porn industry. I’ve looked at plenty of porn both on and off line. Type in any word and you’ll find porn. The more I see, the more I think it’s one of the symptoms of our societies terminal illness. After all, porn is okay…but only if we pay enough. I think it’s another bit of hypocrisy in our self righteous, money grubbing society.

So masturbation saved the net. Great, but what has it done for us? Scientists have determined that when the male body produces semen, it uses only the best resources in said male. So, if a man happens to be a chronic masturbator, he is constantly depleting his body of it’s best materials. Taoists believe that energy flows through the body in a circuit. A lot of this energy is produced in the region of the testicles. Masturbation diverts this energy to the production of semen. Same problem. When this energy is wasted on the bedsheets, it makes sense that intelligence, creativity, vitality, energy, and drive would diminish. Don’t get me wrong, I’d be a liar if I denied ever masturbating, but education has taught me that there is a better way to use my energy. In fact there is even such a thing as a non-ejaculatory, full body, male orgasm. Before you scoff, think about the fact that most women didn’t have multiple orgasms prior to learning about them in the sexual revolution of the sixty’s and seventies. If you’re interested in more information on sexual energy, I highly recommend the book “Taoist Secrets of Love” by Mantak Chia.

Here’s my question. Has the proliferation of porn lowered the cumulative intelligence quotient of the general public by encouraging chronic masturbation? Makes sense to me. Welcome to the United States of Porn, Home of the Pornonet.

Letters:

Hello Bellinghambling man..

Gooten morgan and Heil Hitler. You make me sick, you spout off about armegedon and the corporate bullshit but in reality your a techno nerd.You expect me to Email you “fuck that” I hate e-mail and I hate the net and I hate all the rest of the techno crap. You said that Y2K is going to cause havoc “maybe” thats good, maybe we can restore family values like making the kids weed out the beet patch. I hope Y2K causes the the gas pumps to instantly increase prices a dollar, then we can pay for your high tech radio communication so the wacko fuckheads can play dick tracy on some shit.Personally, I think we should go back to something more reliable like word of mouth and horses. Anyway, I hope you were able to pull yourself from surfing the net and jerking off to Mistress Helga mommy dominatrix extraordinaire to read this . thanks, Bob A. Lou

P.S. I’m sure you will have my handwriting analyzed and find out I’m a neurotic with compusive suicidal tendencies you paranoid son of a bitch. Later.

Bob A. Lou, Thanks for the hatemail. You caught me, I am a bit of a “ techno nerd”. Technology is there and if you think the world is ever going to go back to being peaceful savages forget it. You’ve got to remember, if we don’t keep our eyes open and utilize technology effectively a lot of shit will get done without our knowledge. As for family values, weeding the beet patch sounds better than sitting in daycare because both parents have to work all day every day. I’m with you on gas needing to cost more, right on! I like a lot of technolgy, but I would give it up in a heartbeat if it didn’t leave me vulnerable to others who were using it. Now about jerking off…..

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